I'm facing my fears and it scares me

A vulnerable ask

Good morning and welcome to all new subscribers who have joined in the last few weeks.

I am a little afraid to send this newsletter out…actually, if I’m honest, I’m terrified. Terrified that I might destroy what I’ve already built and what I’m trying to build in the future. But if there’s one thing I’ve learned it is this:

The longer you allow your fear to go unchecked the greater its power grows.

So here goes.

For those who have been here from the beginning you will know that I have been toying with the idea of turning on the option to pay for this newsletter for some time.

Whenever I find myself turning a problem over and over in my mind alarm bells start ringing. More thinking is never the solution. I need to get at the root cause.

Turning on paid brings up a lot of self worth insecurities for me. Money is a tricky topic and as I am feeling a lot of  emotional resistance I would like to explore why that is.

The root of limiting beliefs

I grew up in a financially poor but emotionally rich household. My parents have very limiting beliefs regarding money, many of which I am still trying to shed to this very day. My mother did volunteer work for much of her life and my father was a school teacher. They are now both retired.

They had very strong ideas about what they wanted out of life. Community, a sense of meaning and a life based on principles and values not accolades or achievements. Money was seen as an obstacle to achieving these things. It was something to be avoided. Because of this I still have a distorted relationship with it.

They rejected much of main stream culture sending myself and my brother to a Steiner school where my father also taught. Back then Steiner schools were not government funded in the UK. You either had to pay with money or pay with labour to send your children there. As my father taught at the school my brother and I could attend for free.

We were semi self sufficient and so didn’t need much money. We had no TV or computer just a radio. I had, what you might call, a very “organic” upbringing. My parents are still together and recently celebrated their 45 wedding anniversary - a rarerity these days.

As with most teenagers I found a lot of the decisions that my parents made frustrating. My mother could have sold a lot of the produce from her garden but she chose to give it away. My parents would keep using half broken appliances rather than replace or upgrade them. Usually concerns about the environment or consumerism were raised but at the end of the day many things do just come down to money or a lack of it.

In hindsight I understand that they were only living in consistency with their value system. It makes perfect sense. I am so grateful for this start that I had in life and yet growing up outside “the system” has its challenges. It made for a very jarring adjustment when entering into the “real world” of university and the work place.

Unlike my parents I wanted very much to be a part of mainstream culture. I just wanted to fit in. My alternative upbringing paired together with the fact that I prefer men over women made me different enough without having to seek that out.

It’s taken me the better part of 20 years after leaving this environment to find my footing and to start liking myself again. Self loathing is a common cultural trait in Britain. It’s laid bare in award winning shows such as The Office, or Peep Show. But at the end of the day a lot of this just comes down to the individual and how you see yourself.

Why I’m interested in current cultural debates

During my search for self acceptance I have developed a strong interest in current mainstream culture. Most probably because I feel somewhat deprived at not having experienced much of it as a child. My childhood memories are filled with Shakespeare, Mozart, William Blake and pottery. Things like Disney, Nirvana or computer games were not tolerated.

The importance of values and principles over money were consistently reinforced at home. While I think this is a good approach I have come to believe that the two are not mutually exclusive. In fact money can actually be an indication of high quality and high value.

I feel very alone at times because I do not identity as left or right, alternative or mainstream, anti-capitalist or pro socialist. I believe in personal responsibility. I am convinced that if we spend more time focusing on improving our own lives the world would be a better place.

Society and culture is made up of individuals. It matters what you believe and how you behave as an individual. It’s baffling to me that these beliefs have come to be associated with the conservative right.

I cannot pick a side because I see the benefits and flaws of both left and right. It is the dynamic tension between the two which brings progress. Just like a kite that catches the wind it needs the tension of its tethering string to climb to new heights. if the string is cut the kite will crash to the ground.

It doesn’t matter which side dominates. When one does tyranny is just around the corner.

This inability to choose sides is something I used to hate about myself. I wish I could just pick a side and have done with it. In many ways tribalism gives an amazing sense of belonging. You feel like an integral part of the group.

I had my moments when first exploring the gay scenes of London and Beijing but “being gay” did not offer enough value for me. Maybe because of my upbringing. The values espoused by that community always felt hollow and I could never fully identify with them (but could also not reject them).

In the last few years I’m slowly coming around to the fact that this reluctance to go head first in one direction could actually be an advantage. I am starting to hear more balanced voices of reason which gives me a great deal of hope.

All this to say. You will not get one sided polarising pieces here. I like to write about culture, philosophy, and current events without the politics (although this is not always possible).

Sometimes they are rooted in research like this article on European perspectives of America, or this article on Getting ahead in the UK. Other times they are just personal perspectives on things which I find import like Adult friendships or Why I hate pride month (as a gay man).

Why I have turned on paid

I have now turned on paid because I am a little afraid of it. Afraid of the expectations. Afraid of the pressure and afraid that it might destroy my creativity.

However I am also excited that it might motivate me and inspire me to dig deeper and produce higher quality thoughts. I see you and your support as an integral part of that motivation engine.

Having lived a large portion of my life in fear I know that it’s a recipe for a miserable life. The only way to dispel fear is to embrace it head on.

So if you would like to support me and my work this is your opportunity to do so. Please upgrade your subscription by clicking the button down below.

By upgrading you will get:

• A voice over of all upcoming articles so that you can listen to them in podcast form.

• Occasional paid only posts

• The ability to interact with me in group chats, which is far more satisfying than the comments sections.

• The ability to be a part of my work.

• Access to the whole back catalogue of articles.

I will be paywalling some of my more controversial and vulnerable articles to keep the crazies at bay.

The rest of my letters will remain Free.

I have a deep respect for the trust which you have placed in me and I do hope you will join me on this journey of cultural exploration.

Thank you for your support. I really appreciate it.

P.S. If you cannot afford a paid subscription right now you can get it for free by spreading the word and recommending Bridging the Gap to other readers.

Thanks a lot.

Bye for now.